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My Dog Is My Boyfriend?!

Musings on a close relationship.

He says he’s bored with his food. He wants salmon. Also, he’s telling me he’s your boyfriend,” said the animal communicator, gently touching my dog’s hips.

My Wheaten Terrier, Lincoln, and I were seated at a table on the patio of a coffee shop that was hosting a psychic fair to raise money for a cat rescue. For $20, I got 15 minutes’ worth of insight.

“Tell him that he turned his nose up at salmon too many times for me to keep offering it to him,” I said.

She kept looking at me, waiting for me to acknowledge my dog’s declaration of our relationship status. “As for my boyfriend …” I laughed awkwardly and made an “eeesh” face, the kind where you rear your head back and show your gritted teeth—like a horse running into a mountain lion. It felt weirdly inappropriate to agree with him.

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